18 Things Guys Think When They're Hitting on You
"Maintain eye contact. Don't look down."
1. Oh, wow, that girl over there is really attractive. Like, worth-embarrassing-myself-for attractive. Like, if I posted a picture of us together on Facebook, people I don't even talk to anymore would like it.
2. I want to go over there, but first I want to try and make eye contact with her and get a feel for what she thinks about me. If she vomits all over herself as soon as she spots me, I can take that as a sign that I probably shouldn't go talk to her.
3. She's never looking over this way whenever I glance over. Maybe I should just keep looking in that direction, unwavering, like Ryan Gosling in Drive.
4. All right, now I'm just staring at the back of her head, which is creepy. I wonder if someone else in this bar noticed that I'm staring. Is someone else staring at me staring? And then, maybe someone else is staring at them?
5. She looked over here sort of and smiled! Could've been at me, could've been at one of the 18 guys behind me. That's as good as sign as any.
6. If I'm going over there, I need an opening line. Should I hang out here thinking of one for so long that I totally miss my chance? No way, I'm going to walk over there and force myself to think of one on the way. Really put the pressure on. I work well under pressure.
7. I'm almost there and she's aware I'm walking over to her and I still can't think of anything. I don't work well under pressure. Slow down. It feels like I'm power-walking.
8. OK, now I'm walking too slow. This must look weird.
9. All right, as long as I don't say, "Hey, do you come here often?" I'm good. Just don't say that. That's lame. "Hey, do you come here a lot?" Dammit.
10. She hasn't run away yet. I mean, she laughed. She probably thought you were being ironic. Don't correct her.
11. Oh, god. We've hit a moment of silence. Think of something to say. Anything. You both standing here. What would Don Draper do? Probably say, "Women shouldn't drink beer, it's not ladylike" since he lived in the '50s. So maybe I should think of a more contemporary role model.
12. I'm just going to stall here. I'll sip my drink slowly and buy some time. Now she's sipping her drink too. We're both just standing here drinking.
13. Oh, no. She did the eyebrow raise thing, as if to say, "This is… whatever." This is not going well. You're losing her.
14. Maybe show her a magic trick? YOU DON'T KNOW MAGIC WHAT ARE YOU THINKING YOU ARE JUST GRASPING AT STRAWS HERE.
15. Am I blinking too much right now? Did she notice? Is this the regular amount? OK, try and blink less. What is a normal blinking amount? Blink once every minute.
16. Idiot, ask her if you can buy her a drink. She already drank hers during the awkward silence so now is the perfect time.
17. She said yes. So either it's going well, or … she just wants a free drink.
18. Oh, she's going to the bathroom. She's never coming back, is she?
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